Too Much Thought

She thinks about her worth a lot.
Probably too much for a normal person.
She feels worthless, yes. But why?
Why does she feel so worthless that love deserves to escape her?
She thinks about how she knows she is worthy.
She just can't seem to shake the lies off.
She gives and loves and wants nothing
but love and kindness in return.
Or maybe she just wants validation and attention.
At least, that's what they say.
Maybe nothing is wrong with her at all,
and she's just making it up; making it worse for herself,
because she hates who she truly is inside.
She sees no point in going on most of the time.
She only does what she's told to do.
She was taught to always follow the rules and to obey
and respect and listen to adults.
Now she's almost 21 and she's only alive
because she doesn't want to disappoint her parents even more than she already has.
She is afraid to die.
She is afraid of never seeing the sun rise again,
or feel the wind on her face,
or dip her toes into the chilly ocean.
She read somewhere that death is just darkness.
Silent, empty nothingness.
Reading that has created so much fear in her mind, her body, her soul.
She doesn't want to be without the people she loves most.
(She has already been there, done that).
So instead of enjoying the time they have together,
she sits in a constant state of panic.
She thinks she makes herself sad and sick and broken;
(or so she says).
She thinks this is why she doesn't deserve to be loved.
She thinks this is why she doesn't deserve to feel worthy.
She thinks too much.